Batten down the hatches

I hereby challenge the Geneva sailing club for the America’s Cup.

For those of you who don’t know, or were not listening during your geography lessons at school, Switzerland is about as landlocked a country as you can get. Sure, there’s one or two big lakes and rivers but you have to travel a few hundred miles in every direction to reach the sea.

But a few days ago they won “the world cup” of sailing. Alinghi, a boat from the Geneva sailing club managed to beat a boat from New Zealand to take the America Cup. Now, before you start asking questions let me state that I haven’t the foggiest about sailing or the America Cup for that matter. Any time I get near undulating water I empty the contents of my stomach over the edge of whatever vessel I find myself in. But I find it amazing that a boat from Switzerland can win this competition.

There are some caveats to the whole thing however. Much like the best “English” football clubs, most of Alinghi’s crew came from outside the home country (only 3/30 were Swiss, ironically 9 were from New Zealand who they beat in the final!). This is the second time in succession they have won it and after their first success they abolished the nationality and residency requirements. They could then hire the best from around the world to crew the boat. Pretty handy.

So with all this mind I’m thinking of putting together an Irish boat to take the America’s Cup from the Swiss. I figure, with Ireland being an island and all, we must have some pretty handy sailors around the coast. As long as they’re not busy scooping packs of cocaine out of the water.

I’m going to call the boat Dinghi, it’ll be designed from the ground up with only the most modern equipment on board; jacuzzi, pool table, cocktail bar, home cinema entertainment system plus extra cup holders for celebratory beverages. Only the essentials. It’ll be painted green, obviously.

So if you’re up for it, come and get it “Switzerland”. Your father was a goat herder and your mother smelt of elderberries!

Ps. I’m currently advertising for crew and sponsors (the current budget is about €14.43 and I think I’ll need a little extra to cover the shag pile carpets I want to install). Please leave your offers in the comments. It would be handy if you knew how to sail and/or mix cocktails!