There’s a crisis in Wales. You see the problem is with cows. Flatulent cows to be exact. The report claims that cows can produce up to 500 litres of methane gas a day. That is a hell of a lot of gas. They think garlic may be the solution to the problem. But that’s not important.
Cow flatulence is worrying for many reasons. Methane, as I’m sure you know, is a very flammable gas. Now consider that every cow could be loaded up with 500 litres of the stuff and suddenly every field becomes a mine field. I’m suprised that cows are not exploding all round us. Can you imagine? Walking home through the fields and suddenly you hear an explosion and get hit, side on, by a rapidly accelerating T-bone steak. That’s going to sting.
Of course, they don’t explode becuase they “expel” or “propel” the gas out the back end. But methane, along with carbon dioxide, is one of the greenhouse gases and so this causes snow in Buenos Aires and droughts in Australia. They estimate that “windy” cows account for 3% of the annual greenhouse gases in the UK! Cows therefore can be used for good and evil.
For instance I think cars should be designed with a cow strapped to the back of each one. The cow could supply the car with 500 litres of methane fuel a day and instead of releasing it into the atmosphere, the exhaust from the car would contain 25% less carbon dioxide. Plus, you’ll have a supply of milk for your journey. And company, if you’re driving on your own. The benefits are numerous.
The worrying thing however is if these highly explosive animals get into the wrong hands. Bio-warfare would take on a whole new meaning. Put a slow burning fuse on a cow, fire it towards the enemy and watch as 500 litres of methane go up (this reminds me of the cow catapulted across the castle gates in Monty Pythons Holy Grail). Intercontinental ballistic cows. Laser guided “smart cow” technology. It’s only a matter of time.