Never leave your squash racquet in work, it won’t save you time.
Never decide a whole ham and mushroom pizza thirty minutes before playing squash is a good thing, it’s not.
Never realise fifteen minutes before the game and fifteen minutes after the pizza that you’ve left your racquet in work, see it didn’t save any time.
Never be late for your game of squash, it’s rude.
Never think things like, “I’ve got gastric cramping, stitches and enough to gas to float a zeppelin” before starting the game, it’s only an excuse.
Never, under any circumstance, think you can slip a quick fart out mid-rally to relieve the crippling wind and get away with it, you won’t. You’re now in a sealed and very warm room that smells like the deep recesses of your bowels with mushroom and ham undertones.
Do apologise profusely to your playing partner and leave the room to “settle” before continuing the game.