Assume the position

I’m very lucky with my sleeping patterns. Lucky, due to the fact that I could sleep all day, every day without problem. I’m a sleeping machine and like to think of it as a quasi-sport. But recently I’ve been struggling with an aspect to “my game”. Here are the key areas for a good nights sleep:

  1. Endurance: Vital to stay in the bed as long as possible to maximise the relaxation and delay the inevitable waking up and having to face the world. Bladder pressure, starvation, dehydration or alarm clocks should not affect your performance in the early morning. Focus and sheer bloody-mindedness is key.
  2. Speed: It’s critical, in my opinion, that precious time rolling around and trying to get to sleep should be avoided at all costs. You should be “in the zone” as you get into the pyjamas (silk leopard print is optional) and the minute your head touches the pillow you should be out like a light. Anything more than that is a waste. Of course, six Guinness right before bed helps with this aspect.
  3. Technique: Once my forte, my technique has been letting me down of late. Position and duvet anchoring are the secrets to success in this competitive arena. Comfort is paramount to a successful campaign in the bed and key to this is warmth. I prefer to lie on my side which allows me to wrap an edge of the duvet under my side and keep it in place. Positioning is also of great importance. I tend to lie on my side so I can curl up a little and avoid the cavernous snoring that usually happens when I roll onto my back.

But I haven’t been positioning myself properly over the last few weeks and so my “art” is suffering. I’ve taken to rolling onto my back and placing one or sometimes both arms above my head. I seem to find this comforting until I need to turn and I have lost all the power in my arms. What follows is a brief bout of panic, acute confusion and the fuzzy realisation that I am a muppet and I’m now stranded in this position without any way of righting myself.

If I’ve just put one arm up, the other good arm can pull it back down. If the two arms are up I generally have to roll from one side to other to get one to flop down and once it’s recovered I can rescue the other. I don’t want to frighten the Golden Shrimp but I may have to get wrist restraints installed in the bed!


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